We Drafted It – A Complete NFL Team Using Only Quarterbacks

At The Sports Dump, there’s nothing we love more than a useless argument. Usually, that argument is, “Why are we wasting so much time on a shitty, pointless blog?”

Recently, though, we found a new way to waste time and serve no good purpose. We drafted an entire NFL team using only quarterbacks.

Why yes, we are unemployed, why do you ask?

THE RULES

To be eligible, a player had to have been primarily a quarterback for at least one season of their career.

The actual QB position would have to be drafted last, and each of those picks would be made by another person (Mike drafted Quincy’s, Joe drafted Mike’s, Quincy drafted Joe’s). The only rules were the QB had to have started a Super Bowl.

THE RESULTS

(Click to embiggen.)

THE BREAKDOWNS

My strategy was simple: to find QBs who had already demonstrated excellence at other positions, and then put them there. I believe that, when my players are free from thinking to just react and do what comes naturally to them, they will play to the best of their ability. This “no thinking” rule will likely prove immediately popular to players like Vince Young and Terry Bradshaw.

That’s why I have guys like Kordell Stewart and Ryan Tannehill at WR. Let’s face it — no matter how athletic Mike Vick or Geno Smith are, they have no way of countering a receiver who actually runs a route. That, plus the fact that the only pass rush I have to worry about would come from the likes of Daunte Culpepper and Jamarcus Russell, means that Joe Kapp just has to play a little pitch & catch out there. That shouldn’t be a problem, right? (I should note here that I’ve never heard of Joe Kapp, and Mike may have made him up.)

On defense, I went with athleticism, intelligence, and sheer cussedness. You may scoff at my #1 pick, DE Tim Tebow — but that’s why I drafted Jim Harbaugh. You think Harbaugh is gonna let one of his guys stay a virgin? Tebow will be crushing poon AND QBs from the word go.

My defense is so dominant, in fact — with studs like Manziel, Carter, and Young — that the only thing that can stop them is randomized drug testing.

What were my opponents thinking? To be honest, I don’t think they were. You can’t tell by their rosters, anyway.

Look at Joe’s secondary. Sure, he fucked up drafting Brett Favre to play corner, but he salvaged it by drafting something called Bob Waterfield. Bob Waterfield is the star of Law and Order. He’s not a DB.

And poor Mike. I don’t think he understood the concept, and thought we were just trying to draft the fattest team of quarterbacks. He might give my team some problems early on, but like Warren Sapp in the ‘95 Orange Bowl, his players will soon be sucking wind and letting my team of criminals run wild.

That’s not to say they didn’t make good picks. I was shocked Joe had the foresight to draft Cam #1, and even to put him at the correct position. I can only assume he had his wife and daughters make that pick for him.

Mike had several good picks, including Osweiler at LT, but it’s his secondary that impresses me the most. There’s a lot of speed there, which is impressive considering those guys have exactly one functional ACL between the 4 of them.

However, both of them seem to think that their QBs will actually be good at their new positions. This is wrong and bad. For example, Jared Lorenzen will be literally unable to get off the line, and Steve McNair has been proven to be vulnerable to the sneak.

Bottom line? My team wins going away…but if I had to pick between my competitors, I think Mike clearly had the superior draft. Won’t matter, though, as my team cruises to easy 40+ point victories in each game.

I had a very simple goal in the early part of the draft: get as much size as possible. The number of giant (fat) quarterbacks is limited and I wanted to collect as many of them as I could. Other than missing fatty fat fat Jamarcus Russell, this worked out well with five of my first seven picks along the lines.

After that I made the most important pick of the draft: George Blanda. The advantage of having Blanda over Drew Brees and Tom Brady at kicker can’t be overstated; that alone would insure my team’s actual dominance over the other two.

Drafting Blanda also started a bit of a theme for my team as I started drafting Hall of Famers wherever I could. In all, we have seven guys with busts in Canton, as many as the other two teams combined. (Not to mention Roethlisberger and Favre, two horrible perverts who will soon be joining them.) This leadership and eagerness to show our dicks whenever we like will give us the mental edge over our opponents, no doubt.

The last part of my draft was spent filling spots with guys I actually thought had the best physical make up for the position, with the possible exception of Tom Matte, a guy from the early days of the NFL nicknamed “Garbage Can.” I couldn’t resist drafting him for my center. Terrelle Pryor was a total surprise as I had forgotten he started most of a season at QB for the Raiders; obviously the other teams did too.

Aside from my kicking advantage, my O and D lines are superior to those of the other teams (although Mike’s defensive line is formidable). I also lucked out when Quincy drafted Ron Jaworski for me. He is easily the best QB playing QB among the three teams.

Quincy clearly drafted the worst team. Both of his lines are horrible and his offense in general is putrid. Joe Kapp was a crippling pick by my brother for Quincy’s quarterback. It basically cancels out a nice receiving corps. That is, except for Jay Cutler, who barely cares when he has the ball in his hands every snap. I can see him walking over to a crippled Joe Kapp, after whiffing on a block. “My bad dude, wanna switch spots? I got a cannon.” I also like Quincy’s secondary, but not enough to get into details.

My brother’s team is decent, but there are some holes. His defense is going to have to score a lot of points themselves because this is a BAD offense. The line is just horrible and while he does have some good skill position players, I had some real problems with where he put them. Flutie at RB and Elway at WR should be switched and having Russell Wilson on your team is just going to make everyone hate you.

I have to admit that I made a mistake in picking Mike’s QB. I went with Eason because he sucks (obviously) and had one of the worst Super Bowl performances ever. But if I could repick I would have given him this P.O.S.

Look at those SHITTY career stats! OVER! RATED!

So that one is on me. You’re welcome, Mike.

My strategy for this draft (here is the thing: I didn’t want to do this. It has clearly made me a more dumb man. I’m pretty angry I set time aside for this, quite frankly, but Joe begged, like a dog, for me to do it, so I reluctantly did) was to draft athletes all over the field and I did, especially on defense.

I mean BAM!!, I’ve got Michael Vick as a shutdown corner on one side and POW!! I’ve got RG3 on the other side. Quite possibly the two fastest and most athletic QBs in NFL history are shutting down anyone CRUNCH!! that goes deep on them (and I don’t care if one of them happens to like to shoot dogs and the other one is bit of a crybaby — this is a FANTASY draft. I get them at their peak!)

My defensive line is also filled with monsters. None of them are/were very good QBs (McNair was pretty good for a few years) but in this draft, they will be a dominant line (if I can keep Jamarcus away from the cough syrup, that is).

My safeties are solid, with Jim “slight concussion” McMahon going head first into anyone coming across the middle.

I don’t love my linebackers. I can admit that.

On offense, I like my skill position players quite a bit and I think Joe is wrong about the Flutie and Elway switch. So fuck him for saying that. He doesn’t know what kind of offense I’m going to run!

Lot of fantastic athletes for Tony Eason to throw his wobblers to. I don’t like Russell Wilson very much and he may be a problem in my fantasy locker room, but I do think he’ll be a pretty good slot receiver.

I have a serious issue with my interior O-line. I know that now. Phil Simms was not a great pick. He was pretty injury-prone as a QB and I think his ass may get steamrolled. But HE DOES belong in the hall of fame. Very underrated QB.

I have the best punter of the bunch and my kicking choice was genius. The first kick Brady misses, I’m just gonna ream his ass out. Humiliate him in front of his wife and kids. Pretty excited about that. (Editor’s note: this take is good.)

As far as the other teams, I don’t think either are very good. Quincy’s team has good linebackers but a suspect secondary and line. On offense I like Kordell but really no one else.

I actually love Eli as his Center, but not because I think it was a good pick, but because I think he sucks and I hate him and my fat boys in the middle on defense are going to crush him. (Off topic a bit: fuck Eli, man. I’m very anti-Eli as a Giant fan. Guy got hot for two Super Bowl runs. I will thank him for that, but for the rest of his career he’s pretty much a grade-A ass-eater. So many turnovers. So many bad decisions. Fuck you, Eli. Please retire).

Joe’s team is terrible top to bottom. I think he has an excellent kicker. Good for him.

When we play I imagine the scores will be:

Crazy Ass Mother-Fuckers – 66 – Quincy’s Average Team (at best) – 6 (Kordell scores on an end around. Extra point blocked).

Crazy Ass Mother-Fuckers – 89 – Joe’s Shit Stains – 2 (he got a safety at the end of the game when we were in victory formation and Jim Everett comes from out of nowhere and hits our QB dirty and gets a safety. Suffice it to say, my boys beat his ass real good).