This is it. The Big One. The game we’ve all been waiting for, the one the whole season has been building towards.
That’s right: it’s the goddamned Pro Bowl.
Since the public has a voracious appetite for everything Pro Bowl-related, the Sports Dump decided to assign me, the guy who despises the NFL because it’s boring and dumb and boring and who doesn’t follow it at all, to preview it.
Everything that follows is guaranteed to be 100% accurate.
The AFC has one of their most impressive rosters in recent memory. Starting at QB is the strong-armed Bubby Brister, and when he’s not dicing up the defense, he can hand off to a platoon of Christian Okoye, Earnest Byner, and Edgerrin James.
They’ll be running behind holes opened up by Will Shields, Willie Roaf probably, Dan Neil, and…um…two other guys. Is Randall McDaniel still alive?
Catching the ball for this team will be the ageless (and dangerous!) Marvin Harrison, Haywood Jeffries, and Rod Smith, and expect Tony Gonzalez to get open up the middle with regularity.
The defense is a regular Who’s Who, or at the very least a Who’s That? Your D-line has Keith Millard, Chris Doleman, Bryant “Big Country” Young, and that guy from the Redskins who loved blow. No, the other guy.
Linebackers — Junior Seau, Dat Nguyen, and Pat Swilling. The backfield includes Quentin Jammer, “Mean” Darrell Green, Steve Atwater, and Bennie Blades.
Coaching this team? Art Shell, of course. Good luck winning that chess match, NFC!
While the AFC looks unbeatable on paper, that’s only because I haven’t started remembering players for the NFC yet.
How does the name Stan Humphries grab you? Huh? Because that’s who’s starting for the NFC. Either him or Bobby Hebert. They’ll both be drunk.
Doesn’t matter, though, because when you have Erric Pegram in your backfield, your QB is pretty much an afterthought. Don’t think he’s alone, either — he’s sharing carries with Tom Rathman and Ottis Anderson.
The receiving corps consists of Al Toon, Michael Jackson (I think that’s correct), and Steve Tasker (THINK OF THE GRIT!). At TE, you have a platoon of Mark Bavaro and Jay Novacek (don’t worry, they’re both white).
The o-line is…fuck, we used all the players I can remember for the AFC. Let’s say LeCharles Bentley, Dermontti Dawson, Mark Tuinei, Nate Newton, and 213 pounds of Nate Newton’s weed.
The d-line, on the other hand, has Renaldo Turnbull. That’s right, Renaldo motherfuckin’ Turnbull. Lining up alongside him are that super-fat guy from the Packers, Clyde Simmons, and that guy from the Redskins who loved blow. No, the other one.
Also, let’s all take a moment to remember Pat Tillman. It’s what the NFL and Pentagon would’ve wanted.
Linebackers are Chris Spielman (SO MUCH GRIT ON THIS ROSTER), Vaughan Johnson, and Levon Kirkland (he’s the Costco brand of linebacker).
The defensive backs (god, this is so much harder than I was expecting and I wish I hadn’t agreed to do it) are Cris Dishman, James Hasty, “Neon” Blaine Bishop, and Dave Duerson.
Coaching this team? Art Shell, of course. Good luck winning that chess match, AFC!
Who gives a fuck?
OTHER GUYS I JUST THOUGHT OF
Tim Krumrie, Kimble Anders, Dino Hackett, John Offerdahl, Karl Mecklenburg, Dalton Hilliard, Mark Chmura (you usually don’t remember encounters with Mark Chmura), and Shane Conlan.