Posted by I assure you no other mock draft will mock drafts more than this draft and yet the odds are that I will still beat at least one of ESPN’s experts. So let’s get to it!
- BAKER MAYFIELD, QB- NEW YORK JETS– (stay with me) As the clock winds down on the Browns, they are still deciding which franchise crippling quarterback they will take. Just as they are calling in their choice, owner Jimmy Haslem bursts in to the war room and rips the phone right out of the wall, severing all communications between the Browns and the draft. As Roger Goodell asks for the pick, the Browns reps can only nod their heads sheepishly and whisper…pass. A gasp cascades throughout the crowd and somewhere Chris Berman swallows his own tongue. (Is he at the draft? If so, he is rescued and survives.) This puts the Giants on the clock, but they are from “original NFL stock” and have TOO much respect for the shield to embarass another franchise and so Wellington Mara tells his men to stand down and wait until Cleveland picks. Unfortunately for the Browns, Haslem has taken over the war room at this point and is relaying the plot of “Draft Day”( the ‘Water World” of sports movies) to the scouting staff. The clock runs out on the Giants, opening the door for the NEW! YORK! JETS! (RIP BERMAN), who only scouted three players for the draft, thus saving their billionaire owner a few thousand dollars. Although they had two quarterbacks ranked higher than Baker Mayfield, they listed Mayfield #1 on their board thinking the others would be gone and then tweeted out a picture of it. They decide it isn’t worth the effort to explain this and take Mayfield – Joe Namath with better accuracy and less alcohol tolerance.
- SAQUON BARKLEY, RB- NEW YORK GIANTS. Once the Jets pick, the Giants can proceed, dignity in tact AND they can take a player who didn’t wear a flashy uniform in college, one of the highest priorities for the Giants. Also, after seeing Eli crying on camera last season, the Mara’s couldn’t consider drafting a QB without gagging at the image of Eli’s reaction.
- JOSH ALLEN- CLEVELAND BROWNS
- SAM DARNOLD- CLEVELAND BROWNS– In Cleveland, Haslem is finally subdued by the coaching staff. Everyone’s attention turns to Roger Goodell approaching the podium to announce the Giants’ pick. The entire staff goes for their cell phones, trying to reach the draft table. Two of the coaches get through, and it’s only after both picks are announced that the Browns realize what they’ve done. For what it’s worth, when Hue Jackson finds out who they drafted several days later, he’s thrilled.
- QUENTIN NELSON, G- DENVER BRONCOS* (TRADED TO COLTS)
- BRADLEY CHUBB, DE- INDIANAPOLIS COLTS* (TRADED TO BRONCOS, WITH ANDREW LUCK)- John Elway somehow pulls a “John Elway” (That’s when a Stanford QB forces a trade from the Colts to the Broncos in exchange for an interior lineman from a smart midwestern school). By insisting the negotiations take place in a Denver dispensary, Elway is able to convince Jim Irsay to throw in this pick with Luck.
- DERWIN JAMES, S – TAMPA BAY BUCS- Everyone is predicting this, but few people are pointing out that this may be part of a Jamies Winston plot to surround himself with Florida State Seminoles who may know where the bodies are buried (not literally, probably).
- ROQUAN SMITH, LB- CHICAGO BEARS*(TRADED TO 49RS)
- MINKAH FITZPATRICK, S- 49RS*– (TRADED TO BEARS)- As part of last years massive overpay trade for Mitch Trubisky, the Bears agreed to swap picks with the 49rs whenever they want.
- LAMAR JACKSON, QB- NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS * (TRADED FROM OAKLAND RAIDERS FOR TOM BRADY) -WHAAAAAAAT? John Gruden, still operating like its 2008 and with the memory of the tuck rule game still fresh, throws caution to the wind and also insures he’ll only have to coach two years of his ten year contract. Meanwhile, Bill Belichick has the last laugh in his petty little fight with Mr. Perfect. It is later revealed that Robert Kraft was on a vacation with Meek Mill during the draft and had no knowledge of the trade.
- DENZEL WARD, CB- MIAMI DOLPHINS- The Dolphins really wanted Jackson and with no backup plan they just take the highest guy on Kiper’s Big Board. No one notices.
- SONY MICHAEL, RB- BUFFALO BILLS- The Bills also really wanted Jackson, but they have a backup plan, albeit a bad one. This pick is the first part of that plan.
- LEIGHTON VANDER ESCH, ILB- WASHINGTON- Pre draft I was hearing rumors that Dan Snyder wanted to draft the guy with the whitest name imaginable. They get their guy!
- JOSH ROSEN, QB- GREEN BAY PACKERS- Oh, yea. The best QB in the draft slides to the Packers because the NFL is afraid of personalities.
- MASON RUDOLPH, QB- ARIZONA CARDINALS- Someone had to reach for a 3rd round QB in the first round and the Cardinals are as good a choice as any (now that the Browns have already done it twice).
- VITA VEA, DT- BALTIMORE RAVENS- Taking huge defensive tackles is what the Ravens do.
- MIKE MGLINCHY, OT- SAN.. LA CHARGERS- Taking slow Tackles is what the Chargers do.
- TREMAINE EDMUNDS, LB- SEATTLE SEAHAWKS- Taking underachieving pass rushers is what the Seahawks do.
- JAMES WASHINGTON, WR- DALLAS COWBOYS- This is a complete spite pick by Jerry Jones who gives a final fuck you to Dez Bryant by taking an even fatter, slower Oklahoma State Wide reciever.
- CALVIN RIDLEY, WR- DETROIT LIONS- Speaking of spite picks, the Lions have been waiting two years to draft a WR named Calvin in the first round.
- ANTONIO CALLOWAY, WR- CINNCINNATI BENGALS- One look at his rap sheet and you can see that this is a natural pick.
- NICK CHUBB, RB- BILLS- Part two of the Bills plan to start three running backs and ZERO quarterbacks.
- HAYDEN HURST, TE – NEW ENGLAND PATS-* GRONK PART 2
- DA RON PAYNE DT, CAROLINA PANTHERS- Sure.
- MARCUS DAVENPORT, DE – TENNESSEE TITANS- The Freak PART 2
- JAIRE ALEXANDER, CB -ATLANTA FALCONS- OK
- DERRIUS GUICE, RB- NEW ORLEANS SAINTS- Alvin Kamara PART 2
- WILL HERNANDEZ, G- PITTSBURGH STEELERS- Steelers love large Latin linemen.
- JAMES DANIELS, C – JACKSONVILLE JAGS- QB sneak is their best play.
- FRANK RAGNOW, C – MINNESOTA VIKINGS- A RUN ON CENTERS!
- DALLAS GOETERT, TE – NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS*- GRONK PART 3! So at this point we’re all done with this, right? These are all actual predictions with no bits. I am looking forward to the Patriots new read option offense with three enormous tight ends though.
- DJ MOORE, WR – PHILADELPHIA EAGLES- This pick is made by the Ghost of Chris Berman.