We need to talk about Gus Johnson.
He’s ruining college football for me, and I’m not entirely sure it’s his fault. I’ll still blame him for it, of course, because the only thing in this life I know for sure is that nothing is ever *my* fault.
Here’s the problem: he made a name for himself by being animated, excitable…for watching the game like a fan, basically. And he quickly became one of the most popular and in-demand sportscasters as a result.
But now, realizing that people expect him to get fired up whenever he calls a game, he gets way too excited for every single play. There’s no differentiation between a game-winning Hail Mary and a long incomplete pass that the receiver almost caught.
Also, sometimes you get bizarre calls like this:
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, "Hey asshole, if you don’t like Gus Johnson, don’t watch games he calls."
But it’s not that simple. See, watching Gus Johnson kind of ruins you for other sportscasters, the way a Mormon can’t go back to just drinking Dr. Pepper after he’s discovered Sudafed. Most other sportscaster sound dull and unappealing in comparison.
Just check out this call from today’s OU-Iowa State game:
That was a game-sealing 4th down stop! For one of the biggest upsets in recent college memory! And the announcer sounds like a Mormon kid who just discovered Nyquil.
So what’s the solution? I think it’s clear that the simplest and least expensive option is to melt down Gus Johnson and Gary Danielson in a lab and then reconstruct them, T-1000 style. WE’LL CALL HIM "GARY JOHNSON" AND HE’LL BE THE MOST DYNAMIC HUMAN IN HISTORY.
Or, you know, announcers could just watch games like normal people do.
Except you, Jay Feely: