Welcome to “ONLY the Best Words”, a new Sports Dump feature where we take an existing piece of work that you would never read and present it in a more digestible, entertaining (and far less fact based) package.
Since the NHL regular season has ended why don’t we take a look at ESPN’s “NHL mock draft”. For the entire original 1700 word manifesto on ESPN.com click this shit right here
I offer the following alternative version, using about 1000 less words, with completely fictional scouting reports stitched together from the original article.
All words used in this piece appear in the original article although almost never in the same order.
1. Colorado Avalanche (via Ottawa Senators)
Jack Hughes, C, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)
Hughes could very well be a player who prefers to be shorter
Kaapo Kakko, LW, TPS Turku (Liiga)
He has deadly bread and great butter
Dylan Cozens, C/W, Lethbridge Hurricanes (WHL)
I could see the Oilers pick the noses of this playmaker and His German son
Vasili Podkolzin, RW, SKA (MHL)
He is not intelligent
Bowen Byram, D, Vancouver Giants (WHL)
I can’t be complementary to this guy
Kirby Dach, C, Saskatoon Blades (WHL)
Dach has the potential to be a two. Out of six.
Trevor Zegras, C/W, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)
The Blackhawks are always looking forward to sacrificing young College elite under the age of 23 to The Devils
Matthew Boldy, LW, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)
He can marinate beef with no tools. Intriguing.
Peyton Krebs, C, Kootenay Ice (WHL)
The Coyotes can power up this killer with bolts of explosive blue lightning.
10. New York Rangers
Alex Turcotte, C, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)
Good luck with this guy
11. Florida Panthers
Philip Broberg, D, AIK (Allsvenskan)
With some more struggles next season he could go to Hoglander University
Ryan Suzuki, C, Barrie Colts (OHL)
The Canucks are so enamored with Ryan that they had a significant early release
13. Minnesota Wild
Arthur Kaliyev, LW, Hamilton Bulldogs (OHL)
He has a tremendous Vlasic Pool.
Raphael Lavoie, C, Halifax Mooseheads (QMJHL)
He still has Krebs
15. Buffalo Sabres (via St. Louis Blues)
Victor Soderstrom, D, Brynas (SHL)
Really skilled at driving a Harley in Arizona
16. Dallas Stars
Moritz Seider, D, Mannheim (DEL)
He will need canes to help him be a skater
17. Buffalo Sabres
Cole Caufield, RW, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)
He already has a ton of blue shirts
Spencer Knight, G, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)
The knights are looking at shooting him in the Foote
Alex Newhook, C, Victoria Grizzlies (BCHL)
He has a lack of size, creativity, tenacity, skill and athleticism. Also skating.
Thomas Harley, D, Mississauga Steelheads (OHL)
The Habs nab a have not.
Brett Leason, C, Prince Albert Raiders (WHL)
Teams sure won’t want to get the hands of this prospect in their pipeline.
Cam York, D, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)
He has a lot of good, safe, rounded Sabres
Matthew Robertson, D, Edmonton Oil Kings (WHL)
Robertson has been highly regarded for his punch and could be a threat to the team.
Philip Tomasino, C, Niagara IceDogs (OHL)
He has off the charts Finn speed and mobility
25. Los Angeles Kings (via Toronto Maple Leafs)
Nolan Foote, LW, Kelowna Rockets (WHL)
Big guy who can dose the goalie with speed.
26. Boston Bruins
Alex Vlasic, D, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)
His offensive stick continues to rise when he can imagine a two-way slot with tremendous depth.
27. Winnipeg Jets
Nils Hoglander, LW, Rogle (SHL)
Can help lead a coup opposing Sweden
Connor McMichael, C, London Knights (OHL)
He is becoming a machine with a motor that has the ability to do numbers addition in the range of 5 to 9
29. Buffalo Sabres (via San Jose Sharks)
Samuel Poulin, RW, Sherbrooke Phoenix (QMJHL)
I’m really high.
30. Calgary Flames
Nicholas Robertson, LW, Peterborough Petes (OHL)
I think shooting Robertson would be a reasonable consolation prize.
Jakob Pelletier, LW, Moncton Wildcats (QMJHL)