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Welcome to “ONLY the Best Words”, a new Sports Dump feature where we take an existing piece of work that you would never read and present it in a more digestible, entertaining (and far less fact based) package.

Since the NHL regular season has ended why don’t we take a look at ESPN’s “NHL mock draft”. For the entire original 1700 word manifesto on click this shit right here

I offer the following alternative version, using about 1000 less words, with completely fictional scouting reports stitched together from the original article.

All words used in this piece appear in the original article although almost never in the same order.  

1. Colorado Avalanche (via Ottawa Senators)

Jack Hughes, C, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)

Hughes could very well be a player who prefers to be shorter

2. Los Angeles Kings

Kaapo Kakko, LW, TPS Turku (Liiga)

He has deadly bread and great butter

3. Edmonton Oilers

Dylan Cozens, C/W, Lethbridge Hurricanes (WHL)

I could see the Oilers pick the noses of this playmaker and His German son

4. Detroit Red Wings

Vasili Podkolzin, RW, SKA (MHL)

He is not intelligent

5. New Jersey Devils

Bowen Byram, D, Vancouver Giants (WHL)

I can’t be complementary to this guy

6. Anaheim Ducks

Kirby Dach, C, Saskatoon Blades (WHL)

Dach has the potential to be a two. Out of six.

7. Chicago Blackhawks

Trevor Zegras, C/W, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)

The Blackhawks are always looking forward to sacrificing young College elite under the age of 23 to The Devils

8. Colorado Avalanche

Matthew Boldy, LW, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)

He can marinate beef with no tools. Intriguing.

9. Arizona Coyotes

Peyton Krebs, C, Kootenay Ice (WHL)

The Coyotes can power up this killer with bolts of explosive blue lightning.

10. New York Rangers

Alex Turcotte, C, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)

Good luck with this guy

11. Florida Panthers

Philip Broberg, D, AIK (Allsvenskan)

With some more struggles next season he could go to Hoglander University

12. Vancouver Canucks

Ryan Suzuki, C, Barrie Colts (OHL)

The Canucks are so enamored with Ryan that they had a significant early release

13. Minnesota Wild

Arthur Kaliyev, LW, Hamilton Bulldogs (OHL)

He has a tremendous Vlasic Pool.

14. Philadelphia Flyers

Raphael Lavoie, C, Halifax Mooseheads (QMJHL)

He still has Krebs

15. Buffalo Sabres (via St. Louis Blues)

Victor Soderstrom, D, Brynas (SHL)

Really skilled at driving a Harley in Arizona

16. Dallas Stars

Moritz Seider, D, Mannheim (DEL)

He will need canes to help him be a skater

17. Buffalo Sabres

Cole Caufield, RW, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)

He already has a ton of blue shirts

18. Vegas Golden Knights

Spencer Knight, G, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)

The knights are looking at shooting him in the Foote

19. Carolina Hurricanes

Alex Newhook, C, Victoria Grizzlies (BCHL)

He has a lack of size, creativity, tenacity, skill and athleticism. Also skating.

20. Montreal Canadiens

Thomas Harley, D, Mississauga Steelheads (OHL)

The Habs nab a have not.

21. Pittsburgh Penguins

Brett Leason, C, Prince Albert Raiders (WHL)

Teams sure won’t want to get the hands of this prospect in their pipeline.

22. Columbus Blue Jackets

Cam York, D, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)

He has a lot of good, safe, rounded Sabres

23. Washington Capitals

Matthew Robertson, D, Edmonton Oil Kings (WHL)

Robertson has been highly regarded for his punch and could be a threat to the team.

24. Nashville Predators

Philip Tomasino, C, Niagara IceDogs (OHL)

He has off the charts Finn speed and mobility

25. Los Angeles Kings (via Toronto Maple Leafs)

Nolan Foote, LW, Kelowna Rockets (WHL)

Big guy who can dose the goalie with speed.

26. Boston Bruins

Alex Vlasic, D, U.S. National U18 Team (NTDP)

His offensive stick continues to rise when he can imagine a two-way slot with tremendous depth.

27. Winnipeg Jets

Nils Hoglander, LW, Rogle (SHL)

Can help lead a coup opposing Sweden

28. New York Islanders

Connor McMichael, C, London Knights (OHL)

He is becoming a machine with a motor that has the ability to do numbers addition in the range of 5 to 9

29. Buffalo Sabres (via San Jose Sharks)

Samuel Poulin, RW, Sherbrooke Phoenix (QMJHL)

I’m really high.

30. Calgary Flames

Nicholas Robertson, LW, Peterborough Petes (OHL)

I think shooting Robertson would be a reasonable consolation prize.

31. Tampa Bay Lightning

Jakob Pelletier, LW, Moncton Wildcats (QMJHL)


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