Dudes! The NBA draft was last night, and, oh shiiiiiiitttt, was Lakers Fanboy pumped!!! Magic Johnson and Rob Pelinka absolutely killed it, slayed it, cooked it up on a barbeque, and ate it last night! But I don’t wanna spoil my thoughts too early, so let’s dive it!!
Pick #25: Mo Wagner
Fuck yes! The Lakers did exactly was I was hoping for and drafted a big guy who can hit 3’s and, well… hit 3’s! The dude can hit 3’s! Plus, he’s German! He’s basically like a shorter, slower Dirk Nowitzki! He reminds me a lot of Travis Wear, actually, because they’re both white power forwards who hit 3’s. Travis joined the Lakers late last season from the G-league, and all I can say is that if you can take a guy you already have and duplicate it, you’re crushing it, dude!!!
PICK #30-something: Isaac Bonga
As soon as the pick was selected, I checked my dick and it was basically like, “BOINNGAAA!!” Then I checked my Twitter and a lot of Lakers fans were like, “who is Isaac Bonga?” And I was like, “he’s a German beast-wurst, dude!!” Seriously, another guy from Germany! This dude is also like Dirk Nowitzki, only shorter, skinnier, and black. My great-grandfather would be loving this fucking draft, homies!! Well, the German part, maybe not the black part so much.
Anyway, Bonga joins the illustrious list of foreign players the Lakers have drafted in the past, like Chinemelu Elonu and Chukwudiebere Maduabum. He’s a dude they might even trade to get something better! Like, remember in 2009 when the Lakers drafted Patrick Beverley in the 2nd round, and then were like, “fuck this dude,” and flipped him for the 2011 pick that became Ater Majok? Well, check this sweet fucking move, dudes: the Lakers later flipped Majok’s rights to the Bulls to get Jose Calderon and a 2019 2nd round pick that they then flipped to Philly to get Bonga! Boom! Foreign dude for a foreign dude! That’s how you fucking do it! Lakers got more moves than Jagger, bitches!
PICK #40-something: Svi Mykhailiuikikinghfkdl
Speaking of foreign dudes, here’s one with one seriously crazy name! Crazy like his shot!! This dude shoots the 3 like a fucking bear eats fish from a stream, like gobble gobble every time, and that is totally appropriate because the bear is the national animal of the Ukraine, where this kid is originally from! He played in Europe for a bit, then went to Kansas for like, 4 years, which got him the national attention you need to get drafted late in the 2nd round! Props to you, Bill Self!
I’m super excited about this kid because he’s obviously a great student of the game. I mean, 4 years of college? Mad respect, holmes! I dropped out of L.A. City College because I was tired of dragging myself all over campus and shit. Plus, bong water was getting all over the inside of my backpack. Dude, for real, why can’t we just skype that shit? Like we got be there physically to learn? Whatever. Anyway, can’t wait to watch Svi rip it next year!!!