The first round of the 2018 NFL Draft is in the books, and…Jesus. A lot of teams really suck at this.
Anyway, here are our grades for each team in the first round. How did your team do? More importantly, why do you give a shit what we think?
In 2016, the Browns hired Sashi Brown, a Harvard-educated Moneyball guy who immediately gutted the team and stockpiled draft picks like they were unemployment checks at an improv show. It seemed like the Browns finally had someone smart in charge for once!
Of course, they fired him last year, because apparently they couldn’t stomach losing for the 19th season in a row. Who did they replace him with? John Dorsey, a stupid motherfucker.
In Dorsey’s defense, he did a good job in this draft. After all, the Browns did so well with Johnny Manziel the first time around, they just had to take the poor man’s version of him. And in Denzel Ward, they got the 3rd-best defensive back on the board while the top two were still available.
Browns: if you’re smart (you’re not)(oh jesus you’re really not), you’ll fire Dorsey overnight, before he fucks up the rest of your draft, too.
BROWNS GRADE: F-
NEW YORK GIANTS
The Giants took the guy most people believe to be the best player in the draft in Saquon Barkley. Of course, he plays a position that doesn’t really matter anymore, but hopefully he can help Eli go from his current level (“dogshit”) to the level he enjoyed during his prime (“lucky dogshit”).
GIANTS GRADE: B-
NEW YORK JETS
- Sam Darnold probably should have been the #1 pick in the draft.
- The Jets got him at #3.
- The Jets fuck everything up.
So, logically, we can already crown Sam Darnold as the biggest bust of the 2018 draft.
JETS GRADE: B+
The Broncos needed a quarterback, offensive line help, and defensive backs. Naturally, they took a defensive end. I think John Elway is still pissed that they won a Super Bowl without him, and he’s never going to let that happen again (in all seriousness, Bradley Chubb is really good, y’all).
BRONCOS GRADE: A-
What did the Colts need? An entire offensive line. An entire defense. And maybe a quarterback! Well, they took a can’t-miss guard.
Is it just me, or does it seem like every year there’s a can’t-miss guard (Jonathan Cooper, Chance Warmack) and then…they miss. Quenton Nelson strikes me as just a mean fat guy. Mean fat guys are the worst.
COLTS GRADE: B
The Bills had two first-round picks, but everyone expected them to trade up for a quarterback…but which one? Then, when it was revealed that Josh Allen had once written a bunch of racist tweets, it became clear which one the Bills would target.
Then they traded up again to get a linebacker, Tremaine Edmunds. Is he any good? Well, he played for Virginia Tech, which is to say…who gives a shit?
BILLS GRADE: F
We didn’t know who the Bears would take, but we did know that, whoever he was, he’d immediately get injured and miss his entire rookie season.
RIP, Roquan Smith.
BEARS GRADE: A
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
The 49ers just traded for the best quarterback in franchise history in Jimmy Garoppolo (just kidding of course it’s Steve Young), so now they needed to protect him, which is why they took Notre Dame tackle Mike McGlinchey.
How do we think he’ll do against NFL talent? Um, Georgia had NFL talent, right?
RIP Jimmy Garoppolo.
49ERS GRADE: F
For some reason, the Cardinals weren’t content to go into the season with Sam Bradford and the Slender Man as their only QBs, so they traded up to get Josh Rosen.
I’m sure he’ll fit in well with that famously liberal fan base in Arizona. Hope Trump builds a hot tub into that wall.
CARDINALS GRADE: A
The Dolphins suck, largely because they drafted a wide receiver and asked him to play quarterback, so it’s a wonder they didn’t draft Lamar Jackson and move him to wide receiver.
As it is, they took Minkah Fitzpatrick, a defensive back whose biggest strength is his pass-rushing ability. Is Derek Jeter fucking up this team too? Which Minka did he think he was drafting?
DOLPHINS GRADE: B
TAMPA BAY BUCS
AWWWW YISSSS. Vita Vea is my fucking jam, y’all. Vea AND Gerald McCoy? Fuck yes, sir.
Vea also represents a departure from Tampa’s traditional drafting strategy, as he’s not a serial rapist.
BUCS GRADE: A
The Redskins had to be shocked that the Bucs snatched up their guy like that. They undoubtedly thought they had a right to him, and now they’ll be mocked by his success for years.
I wonder if any other group in history has had something that belonged to them snatched away, only to be taunted by the usurpers for years to come?
REDSKINS GRADE: B
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Nobody thought the Saints would be good again, but they managed to succeed last year due mainly to their fantastic rookie class. Hoping to duplicate that success, they traded up to draft a guy that nobody gives a shit about.
He’ll fit in well on the Saints, a team nobody gives a shit about, and especially well in New Orleans, a city God doesn’t give a shit about.
SAINTS GRADE: D
The Raiders traded down with the Cardinals, so who would Jon Gruden take with his first pick back with the team? A giant fucking lineman from a team that couldn’t block for shit.
Tennessee Volunteer fans, you dodged a bullet.
RAIDERS GRADE: D-
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS
Man, that’s weird to write. Los Angeles Chargers? Does anyone in Los Angeles know they’re here? Does anyone in San Diego know they’re gone.
The answer to the latter question is no. The answer to the former will soon be yes, as this team could be really fucking good (as was their pick of Derwin James). There are going to be a lot of lifelong Chargers fans in Los Angeles for the next two years.
CHARGERS GRADE: A+
GREEN BAY PACKERS
They have the best quarterback on the planet. He dies every year because the line is dogshit, and his favorite receiver left this season.
So OF COURSE they drafted a shitty, shitty cornerback.
PACKERS GRADE: D
Here’s my theory: Jerry Jones really, really fucking hates the Dallas Cowboys. How else can you explain drafting a linebacker who doesn’t do anything well and would still have been there in the third round? You know this was a shitty pick because their inbred fans loved it.
Anyway, I’m kind of shocked they passed on Shaq Griffin, as Jones could’ve paired a one-armed linebacker with the one-legged one he already has.
COWBOYS GRADE: F-
The Lions were due for another transcendent offensive player who could waste his entire career in Detroit, a la Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson. So does that mean that Frank Ragnow will be the best center in NFL history?
No. No, he will not. $5 says nobody on Arkansas’s football team could pick him out of a lineup.
LIONS GRADE: D-
Did you know that the Bengals STILL haven’t fired Marvin Lewis? I didn’t even check to see who they drafted, and yet I still feel more confident in this grade than in any other I’ve given out.
BENGALS GRADE: F
Hey, it’s a linebacker from Alabama! He should join other elite Crimson Tide ‘backers in the NFL, like…um…the guy who hits his girlfriend…and…um…
Looks like Alabama is going to cause Tennessee to lose in the NFL, too.
TITANS GRADE: D
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Every year, the Patriots have a tough choice: do they take the annoying-and-possibly-racist undersized tailback, or the annoying-and-possibly-racist quarterback who’s been converted to a wide receiver?
Instead, they took a guard (who’s probably racist)…and then they took a normal-sized tailback (fuck it, let’s say he’s racist, too).
PATRIOTS GRADE: B
When you’ve got the most talented QB in the game, you start to think that you don’t need WRs. Well, that hasn’t paid off well for the Panthers lately, so now they’re trying something new: drafting bad wide receivers.
Luckily, Devin Funchess can take D.J. Moore under his wing and teach him everything he knows about not getting open.
PANTHERS GRADE: C+
This was Ozzie Newsome’s last pick as GM of Ravens, so hopefully Hayden Hurst can uphold Newsome’s history of drafting guys who have 10-15 year careers or 10-15 year sentences.
Then, however, they took the best QB in the draft, who they will no doubt force to sit behind the worst QB in the league. Fuck this stupid game.
RAVENS GRADE: B+
Julio Jones has already disowned the team, so it only makes sense that they’d draft a much, much shittier version of him from his alma mater.
Seriously, though, there’s no one better than Calvin Ridley at running picture-perfect routes that end two yards shy of the sticks.
FALCONS GRADE: B-
The Seahawks have lost Richard Sherman to the 49ers, Michael Bennett to the Eagles, and their entire fan base to the Jaguars. They needed to hit a home run with this pick, and the most important thing was finding someone who hadn’t already heard all of Pete Carroll’s moronic motivational stories.
They REACHED to take Rashaad Penny, so Carroll must have seen something he liked in him…meaning, he’s either a 9/11 truther or a wife–beater (who are we kidding? If Pete Carroll likes him, the guy’s most likely a 9/11 truther AND a wife-beater).
SEAHAWKS GRADE: F-
The Steelers picked the brother of a guy who had already been picked, which worked out well when they took one of the Pouncey brothers. Which is to say, this guy is probably an accessory to murder.
Also, Kirk Herbstreit gets an A+ for making Ryan Shazier walking across the podium about him somehow.
STEELERS GRADE: F+
The Jaguars picked the most Jacksonville player on the board in Taven Bryan. This was also the biggest shock of the night, as I would have bet anything this motherfucker would’ve shown up in a camo suit.
JAGUARS GRADE: C-
They took Mike Hughes, a cornerback from the national champs at UCF, so this is probably as close as the Vikings will ever come to a championship.
VIKINGS GRADE: C