GAME ONE — MIAMI VS. BOSTON COLLEGE
Oh yessssss CATHOLICS VS. CONVICTS YESSSS — what’s that? Wrong Catholics? There are right Catholics???
Miami’s a great addition to this tournament because they have an actual crime portfolio to offer. Most programs either just pay players or cover up sexual assault, but The U takes the time to diversify their rap sheet.
I mean, when you look up “University of Miami scandal,” Google literally says, “Shit, man, you’re gonna have to be more specific.”
Do you want to talk about Jimmy Johnson paying players? What about Butch Davis overseeing assault, rape, academic dishonesty, arson, and hell, probably espionage? Or Howard Schnellenberger grotesquely taking advantage of a mentally challenged man?
This team could be a darkhorse title contender — assuming they avoid Pitt, of course.
Boston College’s Crimes
What BC lacks in quantity, they make up for in style.
In the 1978-9 season, a few players on the men’s basketball team conspired to shave points. No big deal, right?
Except they were conspiring with Henry fuckin’ Hill — you know, Ray Liotta in Goodfellas.
That’s fucking awesome. Boston College wins on the strength of that alone!
Just kidding. The U fucking crushes them (sorry you couldn’t draw Florida State, fellas).
GAME TWO — NORTH CAROLINA VS. ARMY
At first glance, it looks like the Tar Heels would take the Black Knights to school — but then you remember that North Carolina doesn’t make anybody go to school.
North Carolina’s Crimes
UNC mainly commits a shitload of academic fraud, such as creating fake classes, letting tutors take tests for players, and pretending like a degree from UNC would be worth something in the real world.
Oh, and they unleashed the biggest asshole in history on the world.
Here’s the thing: back in the day, Army used to kick a little ass at football. Apparently, it’s easy to win when you can literally recruit at gunpoint (something Barry Switzer no doubt tried a time or two).
Even so, in 1951, 37 players from the West Point football team were expelled for cheating. 37! That’s like a battalion or a platoon or a babadook or something.
Luckily, the military was able to re-instill a deep respect for the rules in its cadets, which would serve them well a decade and a half later in Vietnam.
I know we said we weren’t counting real Army crimes against them, but I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna forget the Army Beef Scandal. The Black Knights triumph.
GAME THREE — USC VS. ARIZONA
On paper, this looks like a total mismatch — a game USC should win by four or five touchdowns, easily.
Oops…accidentally copied that sentence from every single college football preview ever written.
Let’s get one thing straight: OJ’s crimes do not count against the Trojans in this competition. Why? Because that fucker was innocent.
What does count against them, however, is the fact that they let an agent buy Reggie Bush’s parents a goddamn house in San Diego! Right under their noses!
Ok, so there’s a good chance they didn’t know about it, and the NCAA undoubtedly waffle-fucked the shit out of them on trumped-up charges, but…um…
Pete Carroll is a stupid, obnoxious cock. There. I said it.
This might come as a surprise, but the school with the world’s least-impressive athletics history (just kidding, that’s Texas A&M) doesn’t have a lot of scandals under its belt.
Until Sean Miller came along, that is.
Ol’ Sean might have paid $100k to sign Deandre Ayton, the best player in school history not named Jud Buechler. And you know what? He was totally worth it, helping Miller’s squad to finally avoid losing in the Elite Eight, a speed bump that had plagued the school for so long.
Oh, and RichRod apparently loved him a little grabass. I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you.
To be honest, neither one of these schools is all that bad. But Pete Carroll really fucking blows, so let’s say USC wins.
GAME FOUR — DUKE VS. NOTRE DAME
Trivia alert! It turns out, these are actually two different schools! I know, it came as a shock to me, too.
They still somehow churn out the same exact annoying fratdouches named Todd who double major in finance and date rape, though.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Duke’s only real crime is being super fucking annoying. Well, so far, anyway. There’s no doubt Coach K is paying players with money earned selling uranium-laced child prostitutes to Kim Jong Un, but that hasn’t been proven (yet).
But seriously, they’re so fucking annoying they might win the goddamn thing anyway.
Notre Dame’s Crimes
It’s the Christians that are always the worst.
Did they force a student up in a cherry picker on a super windy day, leading to his death, all so Brian Kelly could gleam the kind of nuggets that would allow his team to stay within 42 points of Alabama in the national championship game? Yep.
Did they cover up a rape committed by one of their players (named Prince Shembo, no less), leading to the victim’s eventual suicide? Yep.
Did they employ a Daffy Duck impersonator-turned-Trump butt boy, and do they continue to worship this man? Yep.
If you bring any of this up, will they spit on you and accuse you of hating them because they’re smarter and more pious than you? Yep.
Seriously. Fucking Christians, man.
Take heart, Notre Dame fans! This marks the first time that Brian Kelly might actually have a shot at taking you all the way to a title!