Game 1 – Michigan State Vs Michigan
From the people who point to their hand to show you where they live.
Ed Martin funneled money to Chris Webber and other Wolverine’s basketball players during the 90’s, resulting in the taking down of the Fab Five Final Four Flags (OK, banners, but you can’t deny that alliteration.) This was back when you had to pay the top players to make them come to your school. Just like now.
Michigan State’s Crimes
I’m going to ignore the $40 infraction committed by Miles Bridges for getting a free dinner. He paid it back, so thankfully the moral compass of the world is pointed in the right direction. I’m glad those resources weren’t used to stop one of the most vile child predators in this country’s history. Normally a gymnastics scandal wouldn’t move the dial much (don’t worry, there’s been multiple sexual assault accusations against the football and basketball programs at Michigan State, too). However, we are willing to make a (burn in hell) exception for the athletic department that enabled Larry Nassar to prey on his victims so easily and for so long.
Come on. Michigan can burn in hell too, but they will have to do it in someone else’s tournament- The Spartans advance.
Game 2 – Alabama vs Tennessee
If you are familiar with the SEC you know that there is one sport that can be won by any school in the conference any given year. Cheating.
Albert Means was paid $150,000 to sign with the Tide and also had someone take his ACT. There were also some eligibility issues with players and they did fire Mike Price before he ever coached a game. Could it be that Coach Saban is the only college football coach to win multiple titles AND run a clean program? If only all those cases of players with guns and weed didn’t just kind of fade away, we might know for sure.
Rape. Covering up Rape. Beating up the guy on the team who helped the woman who was raped. Also sexual assault settlements. I think they may have been implicated in the FBI thing? Basically every football hire since Phil Fulmer. Turning top 5 recruiting classes into 7-5 records.
I’m giving Tennessee the victory, if only so that their fans know what it’s like to beat Alabama.
Game 3 – Colorado vs New Mexico
This was actually our attempt to increase our readership in the Mountain Time Zone beyond my in-laws. (Editor’s note: not even your in-laws are reading this, Joe.)
Hiring strippers for recruits. Multiple accusations of rape, including the alleged sexual assault of the team’s female placekicker by another player. Gary Barnett immediately taking the alleged rapist’s side. Not firing Barnett and in fact, reinstating him after a suspension over the incident. Of course not one of the 9 players accused of sexual crimes were prosecuted, so can I just say….Promise Keepers?
New Mexico’s crimes
I’m just going to use this quote from a Deadspin article (do I need to do more attribution than this?)(Editor’s note: yes, you do. Don’t worry, I got it.)
“…after a female UNM student reported to police that she had been raped by a football player, witnesses said Davie held an all-team meeting in which he told players to “get some dirt on this whore.” OK then.
They also had a huge financial scandal where basically half the department was using university funds for golf trips to Scotland and gentlemen’s clubs. But that seems downright presidential these days, right?
As much as I hate Colorado, I’m somehow in the mood to see people who misuse public funds to play golf get punished. New Mexico advances.
Game 4 – Manhattan* vs Oklahoma
Classic urban vs rural battle royal- say that 3 times fast.
The 1951 point shaving scandal. This scandal has fallen so far off the radar that I just now realized that it was actually *City College of New York and NOT Manhattan College.
In fact, it was Manhattan College player Justin Kellogg who refused a bribe and later wore a wire to help the feds bust the syndicate. So although there were players from Manhattan involved in the scandal, this is clearly an example of poor research. In my defense, I have never been hired as a professional researcher and my personal editor Quincy has. So this is his fault.
Players firing guns, players using cocaine, players using steroids, players shooting players, quarterback DEALING cocaine (Editor’s note: I used the same link for each one. It’s a good link.)! Barry Switzer being Barry Switzer. I have personal acrimony against Oklahoma because they beat Nebraska a bunch and I assume led Dr. Tom to the realization that he needed to “crime up” the program if he wanted those natty’s. I guess in a way I should thank ol’ Barry.
Sooners in a romp. They are used to beating the shit out of teams from Manhattan so this is no big deal. Also apologies to the Jaspers for mixing you up with a CUNY school.