Posted by GAME ONE – LOUISVILLE vs MINNESOTA
A father-son battle over who is more corrupt. It’s like The Godfather, but in real life and not worthy of a sequel.
Louisville’s Crimes
Hooker parties in the dorm. FBI investigation. Head coach having 15 seconds of restaurant sex and then getting his friend to marry the woman to fend off extortion……..I’m not really clear on what happened there but it’s gross. This looks like a walkover for the Cardinals.
Minnesota’s Crimes
The Gophers are sneaky corrupt, with a massive academic cheating scandal in the mid nineties and multiple rape investigations in just the past two years. Also, this is just a theory, but I believe that there is some kind of “Picture of Dorian Gray” type deal going on with Richard Pitino and his dad.
The Verdict
Minnesota with the upset of the tournament! This also upholds the tournament tradition of spoiling the best potential matchup for a matchup with zero juice. I hope you appreciate the authenticity at the expense of entertainment.
GAME TWO – KENTUCKY vs COACH CALIPARI
Wait, how can Calipari go against big Blue? Just remember that this bracket is a stupid device used by every sports website in the country and get over it.
Cal’s Crimes
Technically, I don’t think Calipari himself has actually been specifically implicated in any wrongdoings, but he does hold the distinction of being the only coach to have final four appearances vacated at TWO DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. So far.
Kentucky’s Crimes
Big blue is one of the original dirty programs, going back to their involvement in the 1951 point shaving scandal that rocked college basketball, as well as an academic fraud scandal in the late ’80s. Also, Kentucky had a coach named Adolph who kept his team all-white for as long as he could.
The Verdict
Kentucky advances on racism. (That may have been the state motto at some point).
GAME THREE – FLORIDA ST. vs RUTGERS
A heavyweight against a lightweight in every respect.
Florida State’s Crimes
“Free Shoes University”, blatant academic fraud, everything that came within 100 feet of Jameis Winston. This could really be a 2500-word entry, but you know the deal.
Rutgers Crimes
Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice hurled basketballs and bigoted insults at his players. There was also one of those “basically you did everything illegal that you could” scandals in 2015 that led to the firing of the football coach and AD.
The Verdict
I mean, Bobby Knight won three national titles and coached exactly ZERO practices where he DIDN’T verbally and physically assault his players. It’s called “disipline”, snowflakes (Editor’s note: I could’ve fixed the typo, but I think leaving it in is far more telling.). (Assault also appropriate ftr.) And the Tallahassee Police Department has given the Seminoles a home advantage few schools outside of the SEC can even imagine. Florida State moves on and they don’t even have to bring Winston off the bench.
GAME FOUR – VANDERBILT vs PENN ST.
Penn State’s Crimes
Really? (Editor’s note: for anyone who thinks Joe’s being lazy by just including a link here, I think you should know he didn’t even find his own link.)
Vandy’s Crimes
Did you know the man Penn St. hired to bring honor back to Happy Valley had a little rape scandal of his own while at Vanderbilt (The Harvard of Tennessee)? Sure, there were no kids involved but the perpetrators DID record the whole thing and James Franklin even told the team that he saw the recording…….until he decided that he hadn’t seen it, when testifying in the case (CLASSY)!
The Verdict
Penn State gets the blowout win, if for no other reason than hiring James Franklin (there are many other horrible reasons).