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LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT RIGHT OFF THE BAT: I DIDN’T LOSE LAST NIGHT. I NEVER LOSE. MY GODDAMN LOSER TEAM LOST LAST NIGHT.
BESIDES, EVEN IF I HAD LOST, IT WASN’T MY FAULT. MY GODDAMN QUARTERBACK IS BROKEN, AND HE’S PRETTY SHITTY EVEN WHEN HE’S HEALTHY, SO CUT ME SOME GODDAMN SLACK. I STARTED SOME MOTHERFUCKER NAMED CORNCOB LAST NIGHT. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THE GAME WENT?
BUT DON’T WORRY – OL’ JIMBO’S GONNA MAKE CHICKEN SALAD OUT OF THIS CHICKEN SHIT. I’M THE SAME SUMBITCH WHAT TOOK COLIN KAEPERNICK TO THE SUPER BOWL. COLIN FUCKING KAEPERNICK. HE SINGLE-HANDEDLY GOATFUCKED THE ENTIRE LEAGUE, BUT HE WAS TAME AS A GODDAMN PUSSYCAT WITH ME AT THE HELM. THE ONLY TIME HE TOOK A KNEE WAS WHEN I CUT-BLOCKED HIM AT THE HARBAUGH THANKSGIVING TOUCH FOOTBALL FUCKSTRAVAGANZA.
I WOULD’VE WON THAT GODDAMN SUPER BOWL, TOO, IF MY OLD MAN HADN’T PAID OFF A GUARD AND SHUT THE LIGHTS OFF. HE ALWAYS DID LIKE JOHN BEST, BECAUSE JOHN’S WEAK AND NON-THREATENING. OL’ JIM WAS A WILDCATTER EVER SINCE HE CAME OUT OF HIS SWEET MAMA. IT TOOK THREE GROWN MEN TO PULL ME OUT OF THAT PUSSY, AND THAT’S BEEN THE CASE MY WHOLE LIFE, LET ME TELL YOU.
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU COWARDS IN THE MEDIA HAVE BEEN SAYING I’M 1-4 AGAINST MY RIVALS. THAT’S A HORSESHIT FUCKING STATISTIC. URBAN MEYER GETS ALL THE RECRUITS THAT WOULD BE TOO DIRTY FOR EVEN TOM OSBORNE. YOU THINK I COULDN’T WIN IF I RECRUITED THE PENITENTIARY? THEY WON’T LET ME BACK IN THE PENITENTIARY BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I WAS THERE I FUCKED THE WARDEN’S WIFE SO GOOD THEY LET ME OUT FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR. THAT’S A TRUE GODDAMN STORY.
AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON MARK DANTONIO. OF COURSE HE CAN BEAT ME ONCE IN A BLUE GODDAMN MOON. NOBODY GIVES A RAT’S ASS ABOUT MICHIGAN STATE FOOTBALL. HE’S GOT HIS WHOLE LIFE TO PREPARE FOR ME. I DON’T START PREPARING FOR HIM UNTIL I HEAR THE WHISTLE BLOW TO END THE THIRD QUARTER.
YOU WANNA SEE MARK DANTONIO DO SOMETHING IMPRESSIVE, ASK HIM TO WIN A GAME WITH JIMMY CRACKED CORN AS HIS GODDAMN QUARTERBACK. YEAH, WE HAD 5 TURNOVERS – I CONSIDER THAT TO BE A GODDAMNED MIRACLE OF MODERN COACHING PROWESS. YOU GIVE CORNCOB PIPE TO DANTONIO AND HE’D THROW A PICK DURING THE GODDAMNED COIN TOSS.
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY CHAPS MY DICK ABOUT THAT GAME LAST NIGHT? I TOOK THOSE NO-GOOD SLAPDICKS TO GODDAMNED ITALY THIS YEAR, AND THIS IS HOW THEY REPAY ME? WE SAW THE SISTINE CHAPEL AND ALL THAT OTHER PUSSY HORSESHIT, AND THEY CAN’T EVEN PUT UP 3 SCORES ON MICHIGAN FUCKING STATE? SERVES ME RIGHT FOR TAKING THEM TO A LOSER COUNTRY. NEXT TIME I’M TAKING THEM TO RUSSIA. THOSE SUMBITCHES KNOW HOW TO PUT THEIR BODIES ON THE LINE FOR A STRONG, DECISIVE LEADER, I’LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M GONNA GO AHEAD AND COUNT THIS AS A WIN, BECAUSE ANY OTHER SUMBITCH WOULD’VE LOST BY 10 TOUCHDOWNS. LOSING BY 4 WAS THE BEST COACHING JOB OF THIS MILLENNIUM, IF YOU ASK ME. WE’RE STILL UNDEFEATED! BRING ON ‘BAMA!
NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, THERE’S A 4-STAR TACKLE IN WINSTON-SALEM THAT FORGOT TO RESET THE CODE TO HIS ADT SECURITY SYSTEM.