A Brief Treatise on the Subject of My NFL Fanship

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“As many of you already know, my wife and I attended the recent football contest on last Sunday between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers, where we decided we would not stay after some players decided to disrespect our National Anthem. I appreciate all the support we have been given for this decision, one that President Trump and I decided was an important one for me to take prior to boarding a plane to attend a Republican fundraiser in California that same day.
However, I was very disturbed to hear that one of the opposing players questioned my commitment to the game of football, even asking when it was that I last attended such an event.
This was quite upsetting, since I have already supplied sufficient evidence of Mother and I being present at Lucas Oil Stadium in 2014, when the Jaguars of Jacksonville sought to sully the reputation of our beloved Colts in a thrilling match.
In fact, prior to the game, Mother and I were treated to a meeting with Andrew Luck, who is the quarterback, and I assume Coach, of the team. He was a delight, and we engaged in talk of football, some of which, I might add, was randy enough to perhaps be considered “locker room talk.”
In the end though, I agreed with Mother that he has one of those voices that sounds like he has a bubble in the back of his throat that he has yet to cough out and it was slightly distracting.
Once play commenced, we were treated to a dilly of a game, with all the boys grappling and wrestling and so on! Andrew was able to overcome his throat ailment and throw the ball to several of the Negro players, one of whom ran a great distance down to the end of the field, where, I presume, only Colts players are allowed.
For this action, he was awarded several points, to which Mother and I cheered in joyous celebration. Noting the similar reactions we saw below our luxury box, I would say that Mother and I were assuredly acting in a manner that is acceptable to fan standards. Especially Mother, who has not yelped that loudly since our wedding night (some of the gentlemen reading this will know the act to which I am referring, but if you don’t, just know that it is a private matter between a husband and wife).
I think the physicality of the gameplay wore on Andrew, for often he would merely give the ball to one of the Negro players who, in turn, would merely run into other players, mostly going nowhere. Mother and I were most displeased with this, as a strong work ethic has always been the backbone of this country.
Still, the Colts won the day and it is one of many football memories to which I hold dear.
All this said, I think it’s clear that Mother and I are very much fans of football contests, so to hear a player question that really pickled my breakfast, if I may be so bold. You would be hard pressed to find bigger fans of the NFL product than Mother and I, so I hope this statement has settled the matter for good.”

Ryan Gowland can be found on Twitter here.

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