If there’s one sporting event that makes the entire world stop and take notice, it’s the Pro Bowl. However, if there’s a second sporting event that makes the entire world stop and take notice, it’s the World Toe Wrestling Championships.
Go far enough down that list and, eventually, you’ll come across the NBA All-Star Game.
Now that I’ve whipped you up into a frenzy, I thought I’d share with you the live-blogging I did during this year’s event.
I know what you’re thinking — the All-Star Game hasn’t happened yet! What am I, some kind of time traveler?
The reason you’re asking that question is the same reason why you’re on this site today: you’re an idiot. While what I’m about to write isn’t, strictly speaking, based on reality, the important thing to keep in mind during all this is that there’s no goddamned way I’m actually watching the NBA All-Star Game.
5:00 PM: I can’t wait for the game to start! I’ve got nachos, Cheetos, Doritos, Fritos, Diabet-Os, chicken wings, M&Ms, Twinkies, a small bag of black tar heroin, and most importantly, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs on Netflix.
But I guess I have to start pretending to watch the game now. Fuck.
5:05 PM: In case you didn’t know, there’s a new layout this year. Instead of Eastern Conference vs. Western Conference, there are two teams whose captains (Lebron and Giannis this year) picked their rosters playground-style. The respective rosters are:
Team Lebron: Lebron James, Kevin Durant, Delonte West, JR Smith, Nikolai Volkov, Chris Bosh, the guy who will deliver Chris Bosh’s heart to its next recipient at halftime, and Kevin Love (DNP: Lebron’s decision).
Team Giannis: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Steph Curry, Seth Curry, Dell Curry, Tim Curry, Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, Giada de Laurentiis, George Stephanopoulos, and Paul Anka.
5:15 PM: We all stand for the traditional watching of the Draymond watching the National Anthem. It’s time to play ball!
5:20 PM: Lebron controls the opening tip, takes it coast-to-coast, and dunks over Team Giannis’s entire roster, plus Bill Laimbeer, Patrick Ewing, and Karl Malone. Everyone immediately asks, “Yeah, but did he beat a guy with AIDS in the Finals? Get back to me when he does that.”
5:21 PM: Giannis immediately responds with a dunk of his own, prompting the crowd to start a “Greek Freak” chant. Magic Johnson points out that being a Greek Freak is how he ended up with AIDS in the first place.
5:30 PM: The broadcast takes a second to recognize Hamidou Diallo for winning last night’s Slam Dunk Competition. Not bad for a guy shot 19 times.
5:31 PM: Announcer Reggie Miller points out that the cops fired 41 times at Amadou Diallo and only hit him 19 times, which is also known as “the best night of Kobe’s career.”
5:40 PM: Steph Curry drains his 5th three-pointer of the first quarter. Charles Barkley immediately insists that’s not real basketball, insisting that real men play drunk and miss mid-range jumpers every single possession.
5:45 PM: Players for both teams are playing at least 6 feet off their man. James Harden is already getting winded from picking up his dribble at half-court, running into the paint to draw phantom contact, and then running back beyond the arc to take an and-1 three.
6:03 PM: D’Angelo Russell enters the game. Out of habit, Lebron tries to trade him to the Pelicans for Anthony Davis.
6:15 PM: Dirk Nowitzki and Dwyane Wade enter the game to rousing cheers. To pay homage to the pair and their history, the refs immediately let Wade take 97 free throws instead of having to play real basketball.
6:20 PM: Neither team is bothering to run back on defense. James Harden immediately claims that this means he’s always played defense at an All-Star level.
6:35 PM: The game is so boring Roma suddenly has competition for Best Picture.
7:00 PM: Halftime! This year’s show is just Adam Levine showing pictures of Janet Jackson’s nipples.
7:15 PM: Russell Westbrook has a quadruple-double. Michael Jordan insists it’s not as impressive as scoring 19 points on Craig Ehlo.
7:25 PM: Tempers flare after Joel Embiid fouls his own teammate Russell Westbrook. Westbrook vows to continue not passing Embiid the ball.
7:26 PM: Embiid wins the hearts of Republican voters everywhere when he mutters that he wishes he could fight Westbrook, but his feet hurt.
7:26 PM: Republican voters remember Embiid is black, immediately take their hearts back.
7:40 PM: The game is a real barn-burner, as Team Lebron leads Team Giannis 184-179. The refs have decided to expedite the process and just have Dwyane Wade and James Harden shooting free throws continuously at either end of the court.
8:00 PM: Team Lebron wins! Lebron breaks a 235-235 tie by blocking a Giannis layup at one end of the court, breaking the ankles of every single player (including James Harden, who’s on Lebron’s team), and slamming home a buzzer-beater dunk that makes the difference in the game. Scottie Pippen says the play is proof that Lebron is “not clutch,” because he failed to shove Bryon Russell before making the game-winner.
8:05 PM: To save everyone some time, Adam Silver decides to go ahead and give the Warriors their 2019 championship trophy right now.